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Today is one of those days when I said to my husband, “No one in their right mind would ever allow us to bring another child into this family.”
And for a little while, I meant it.
The constant arguing and yelling; the selfishness and blame; the never-ending mess and nagging; disobedience, disrespect, dysfunction.
And yes, I’ll admit, I’m not just talking about the kids. I was involved in it, too.
I’m sorry. . . If I’ve ever given the impression that I’ve got it all together, it was just an act. I try to be real, sincere, honest, transparent- but maybe you’ve only seen me on my “good” days. The days when I feel like I can do it all, or at least most of it. But those days aren’t the norm.
I struggle with feeling unworthy of this grand calling God has placed on my life—the calling of Motherhood. I struggle with feeling like a failure when my children don’t live up to my expectations or how I think I have taught them or at least intended to teach them. I struggle with never feeling like I’ve done enough. I struggle with the fear that I have scarred them for life with my sinful actions or reactions.
I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body . . . Romans 7:21-23a
And, if you are honest, Mom, maybe you will admit you struggle, too. Maybe I’m not alone in this. Just maybe, you’ve wondered if you can handle this heavy privilege.
But His grace is sufficient.
Grace, grace—God’s grace.
Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more. Romans 5:20b
Yes, in Christ, God has enough grace for even my worst days. I must learn to extend that grace to both my children and myself.
I must also remember that when I question my ability to parent these wonderful, future adults in my care, I am really questioning the wisdom of God who entrusted them to me.
No, I can’t handle the five I have, much less two more who will soon be ours through adoption. But my Father never meant me handle them. He wants to love them through me. And He can handle anything.
Father, help me to depend on you. Thank you that your grace covers my many mistakes. Let my children see your love, grace, and forgiveness through me.
I am sure even harder days will come as we add children from hard places to our family, but I hope, somehow, my children don’t remember much about these days, though sometimes I am afraid they will overshadow the many joy-filled ones. When they relive these days, I want them to remember that His mercies are new every morning, and like our Heavenly Father, I will never give up on our love.